In Not So Funny

Another COVID-19 surge has come and gone.  It seems that we emerge from one viral storm only to go into another one.  The virus lurks everywhere, just waiting to replicate itself in the bodies of unwitting hosts.  With the possibility of more and more variants on the horizon, my sense of humor is about to go into reclusion and stay there.

I’m so tired of COVID-19. I can’t even begin to imagine a lockdown, but I also don’t want to share my body with Coronavirus (or any other virus). I have too many overcrowded fat cells, so there is no room for hordes of viruses. Besides, I don’t like the idea of anything having sex and procreating inside my cells. I am the epitome of that old Greta Garbo quote, “I want to be alone.”

Yes, I worry that there might be another lockdown and I will have to stay home and cope. Ennui- boredom- is a terrible thing.   As it is, I don’t go out that much,  I wonder what I could do to make my stay at home time more tolerable and productive.  

Maybe I could be more proactive and creative by making to-do lists and actually sticking to them. If I stay busy, eliminating one by one each item on each list, it might take my mind off COVID-19 and I might even have something to show for my self-isolation.

 I don’t want to be an ordinary recluse. To hell with ordinary,  I want to be an exceptional recluse – so I’m going to make lots of lists, unique lists, extraordinary lists, and the activities on my lists will keep me busy until the cows come home.

I already have a list of some of the things I can do or at least worry about during the remainder of this or any future Covid surge. This first list begins with:

 –Mud Packs. I always wanted to do a facial mud pack, but I never have the time. My optimism  tells me I could fill in lines and wrinkles, like using embalmer’s putty. Green Mud looks like fun, I could scare my pets and neighbors. But what if it doesn’t come off?  It’s way too early for  Halloween and the social issues are way too complicated. And besides, I don’t have a chisel.  Maybe embalmer’s putty is the way to go. Or better yet, I could learn gurning – making  extreme facial distortions- by stretching the skin on my neck.  No turkey neck for me if I pull it  up to my ears.

Gardening. I should garden more, maybe even take extension courses on  Zoom. The war between me and the weeds will be over; I could maybe even grow leviathan pumpkins or  indecent cucumbers.   A supersized Venus Fly trap would be cool as long as it didn’t eat a pet or neighbor.

Reading.  I read. I Never stop. But what if I ran out of books? Or what if the walls collapse from overloaded bookshelves? My husband says the weight of too many books will shear the wall screws, and the shelves and wall will collapse. However ─ I’m not going to worry about it until it happens. Besides, putting the wall back together will give him something to do.

House cleaning. My sense of humor must be returning because I loathe house cleaning.  But sometimes, I do worry about the effects of domestic lassitude.  Can a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned since forever generate a new life form?  Could I have Abiogenesis or Spontaneous Generation in my very own bathroom? 

Cooking. There’s a reason I don’t cook – I don’t like to make people sick. Not that my cooking has ever sent anyone to a hospital or mortuary. I do like to spend time binge eating – preferably someone else’s cooking, definitely not mine.

Baking. I love sweets. I bake cakes, cookies, scones, even bread, but not souffles.  There’s a reason I don’t bake souffles –  I don’t have the skill and I worry that my souffles will fall. There’s  nothing worse than a flat souffle and watery bechamel.

Conversation. I could call  people I haven’t spoken to since high school.  I don’t know what I’d say. Since it’s been a long time, I would have to apologize for not calling.  But an apology would be better than saying, “Glad to hear you’re not dead yet.”

Staring at the walls.  I could stare at the walls.  I’d best not to do that, it’s linked to terminal boredom which can be fatal. It’s better to have something to do, no matter how mundane or silly, like watching paint dry or grass grow.

Now that I have put together a rudimentary list of Covid ideas and concerns, I think I’ll go play with my cat, Ollie.  She’s 16 months old but still has an aversion to being touched.  I can spend the rest of my free time applying antiseptic and wrapping myself in bandages- another COVID quality time activity.

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