I’ve tolerated a lot of  bad moods lately, most of them mine.  Some of them are simple sulks – others  downright hostile. Other people – especially family- can really ruin my day, but I’m careful what I say to them.  I make it a policy to never curse or swear at family members – though they might deserve it. I usually just mutter to myself as in…

               My husband: “What did you just say?”

               Me: “Oh nothing…”

What  I really meant to say to him was, “What the hell is wrong with you?” which I guess is cursing in it’s own right – but not if he didn’t hear it.

I blame most of my moodiness on Covid-19 and the economy.   My creativity is in tatters and I’m not getting anything worthwhile done.  I can spend hours putting together a jigsaw puzzle. My sitting there working on it causes my husband to go into fits of aggravation and consternation, but at least it it’s not me. My writing is at a standstill and the ideas I generate seem as useful as tits on a boar hog, so I spend a lot of time being unproductive, grousing, and complaining about getting nothing done, so it seems.

 I do seem to swear and curse more, at least that’s what others tell me. Curses are peculiar. Most of the time they are maledictions that attempt to bring down some awful catastrophe on someone. Others – swear words – are just nasty, ugly offensive expressions  which sometimes can be provocative – eliciting gratifying, unwanted or even unexpected behaviors – like a punch in the nose. A lot of cursing and swearing is just venting, which is what I do. That kind of venting allows me to release frustration, lowers my blood pressure and I live to see another day. Sometimes my vents are limited to sarcastic insults for people I intensely dislike.

Curses come in all forms and languages. My grandmother cursed and swore till her dying day, but never in English – only Romanian. I grew up hearing these curses but didn’t know their translation – like I never understood what the word fute  meant until I was 30. I too have favorite curses.  Most of them are simple, short or single word epithets released instantaneously after inconsequential events. Such as stubbing my toe on misplaced furniture or suffering a bite from a savage, blood-sucking mosquito. Other curses are longer.

Short or long, original or not, swearing and cursing  get me through difficult times like the present one.  The politics of these expressions doesn’t matter and no one will get  killed except maybe the person who says them. I’ve been creative and made up quite a few of my own:

  • May indigestion and diarrhea fight World War III in every inch of your large bowel.

                                            

  • I hope you leak while you jog, yellow or brown…maybe both, doesn’t matter.
  • May all the neighborhood dogs chase your menstruating butt  around the neighborhood.
  • I hope you overeat Olestra and leave a snail trail when you shop.

                          

  • I hope your arches get so flat you can walk on water.
  • May you split your pants every time you bend over.
  • I hope the worm in your next Tequila bottle waves at you .

                                         

  • I hope your next meal has someone else’s hair in it.
  • May your Spanx suck onto your gut and penetrate every crevice of your belly fat.
  • May you trail toilet paper everywhere you walk.

                                            

  • May one of your buttocks droop lower than the other.
  • May the honey wagon ahead of you spout a gusher on your car.
  • May every toilet you sit on crack under your big behind.

                                            

  • I hope all the chairs in your house have Cabriole legs.
  • I hope every cockroach in your neighborhood has sex on your kitchen counter.

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