This was one of those days. Would you believe I have another goth toe? Goth toe??? You’ve never heard of that? A goth toe is what you get when you injure your toe, the nail or rest of it, and it turns black. This is not to be confused with yellow or grunge toe which is when your toenail gets infected with fungus. And grunge toe is not to be confused with Pearl Jam or any other alternative band. Grunge toe is not good. In South Florida, a toe fungus can get so thick under the nail that it will look like your toe is baking bread. Now if you have both goth and grunge toe, it is really bad news. Unless you can’t see the fungus for the black.
The first goth toe I got took real genius. I dropped a dresser drawer on my foot. I was reorganizing the contents of the drawer and had allowed it to balance fully extended. It was a precarious balance and I was oblivious. I was going along fine, fighting entropy by diligently placing the drawer’s contents in an aesthetic and orderly arrangement . I was so proud of myself. It was looking really nice. Then gravity interfered. Urged on by nefarious forces of the universe, gravity caused the drawer to drop and drive its sharp edges into my toenail. Every capillary under that nail must have exploded because it is still black, three months later. At least it doesn’t stink, so I assume I don’t have gangrene. Yet.
Getting my most recent goth toe took real talent. I walked into the foot of the leg of a dining room chair. Now that may not sound like much, and you might wonder how the “foot” of a dining room chair could cause so much hurt and hematoma, but you have to understand our dining room chairs are not ordinary. They were not built for ordinary people of normal weight. The feet of the chairs are like big clodhoppers and their toes extend outwards. (They have Cabriole legs.) The chairs are huge. Why such big chairs? Because we like to eat and we are preparing for future obesity. What if we gain 150 lbs? We bought this dining room set for the long run and did not want it to collapse under our own humongous weight if we ever get that big. Nothing worse than hitting the ground when a chair collapses under you after a big meal. People automatically infer that you are fat and then you have to insist that you are just big-boned and that there is a hyper-exaggerated gravity field over your head. You might even insist that a black hole under your chair was sucking your butt downward.
Now my toe is turning black and blue and swelling. The chair survived unscathed. I assume the toe is broken because it’s facing a new direction. Or it could be the weather, maybe the toe is trying to tell me there is a hurricane coming. Or a tornado. If it starts to vibrate, I might consider using my foot as a dowsing rod.
I should probably splint It. I could use a popsicle stick. A toe guard is out. It probably wouldn’t fit due to the swelling. Besides, my screams would probably disturb the neighbors. How would I explain it to the police when they came to my door.
I could tape my toe up and cut a hole in my shoe so my foot can fit. I can just imagine going to the mall. Wearing just one open toed shoe. Just one? Well who would want to ruin two shoes by cutting holes in both of them? If I wore sandals, then my bandaged toe would scrape the floor. I might even trip on a carpet.
Now there could be an advantage to having a goth toe. I wouldn’t have to waste black nail polish on that toe. I was in a line at the grocery store the other day, when I noticed the woman ahead of me had painted all of her toe nails black. All of her toes were goth, but dressy, shiny goth. I was going to tap her on the shoulder (to get her attention) and tell her, “Hey, lady. I have one of those too.” But I didn’t think she would appreciate the share and so I just kept it to myself. And of course, now I have two goth toes. I think that is something to really shout about. And I did shout a lot, both times!