Holiday Cooking – Maggie Style by Maggie Millus

Stuffing the turkey is only part of the cooking process. You have to “dress” it too. Since I’m not going to be cooking this turkey, I considered an alternative holiday dressing.

I dread the holidays.  All that cooking.  Not that I actually do it.  I can’t remember the last time I dressed  or stuffed a turkey.  That’s Howard’s job now.  But if I did, I have a few special ideas I’d like to try.  Like Popcorn Stuffing.  I found a recipe  somewhere for “Popcorn Stuffing”.  Now that sounded really interesting.   Innovative.   But I always like to think ahead before I cook or bake something.  In this case, I expect that it would keep my kitchen, and probably me, in one piece.

I’m not going to show the recipe.

It definitely looks like one of those “Don’t try this at home” ventures.  The recipe I saw did not account for the effect of the steam and energy released by the popcorn in the stuffing.  Depending on the amount of popcorn used, especially if the amount was in the ratio of 1-3 cups, the steam and energy released by the popcorn in the turkey’s sutured bunghole would have nowhere to go.   It would likely accumulate and then blow the turkey’s ass clear out through the oven door.

Now If I could time its velocity as it came through the oven door and didn’t get hit upside the head in the meantime, with a little math, I could calculate the force of impact when it hit the kitchen wall or  whoever was dumb enough to stand  in front of the oven.  For a 14 lb turkey, the force of impact would be about 30 lbs.  Now I’m not sure what a 30 lb impact is like, but I don’t think it would leave an oven door intact and it would probably send a person to the Emergency Room.

I doubt  the turkey  would  go through the kitchen wall, but I can hear Howard in the next room yelling, “Hey Maggie, what the hell was that noise?” to which I would  reply, “Nothing, dear.” This would then be followed by a lot of scraping and scrubbing for the next week and a half, not to mention a busted oven door, and the complaints, grumbling, and swearing continuing into the next holiday…