Howard’s Rules by Maggie Millus

My foot…at least what’s left of it…

Now don’t get me wrong, we are both equal in this house, but I have this husband who has a set of rules that he thinks he can enforce.  Not that he will consciously admit to these unspoken rules but here they are:

1)      Never pay anyone to do something you can do yourself.  If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it at all.  Pretty soon you’ll have your wife out mowing the lawn in addition to all that vacuuming and laundry.  Of course if she refuses to vacuum, you’ll both be clutching your throats in asthmatic fits, and as for the lawn, there’s always code enforcement.  And if you don’t want to ever do something  again, just do a very lousy job, like putting her white lacy lingerie in the wash  with your red sweat pants.

2)      If you are doing a household repair or improvement of some kind, make sure that you hurt yourself at least once doing it.  It might be a cut or falling out of a tree, or something very insignificant, but let your wife know how much pain you are in.  If it is a sticker in your foot, make sure you get her to dig it out, and be sure to put your foot up on the dining room table. After she has strained her eyes to remove the microscopic and invisible thorn, walk around with a limp and swear that it is still there even though she’s dug a hole in the sole of your foot big enough to bury the dog in.

3)      If you’re really pissed about something, don’t say anything.  Just stare at the television and glare.  Curl your lip and snarl if it’s appropriate.  Then continue not speaking  the rest of the day.  When you finally do start to talk to each other, tell your wife how you didn’t appreciate the silent treatment, after all, she started it.  On the other hand, if you want sex, you better come up with another solution.

4)      If you don’t like her cooking, cook the meals yourself.  There is an advantage to this in that you can control volume and you don’t have to clean up.  You can cook whatever you want (to heck with that macrobiotic and Mediterranean stuff) in large amounts and you’ll be able to eat like a pig –every night.  Having your wife do the cleanup  could also keep her out of your hair for a long time, like the duration of a foot ball game.  But, don’t let her go to the doctor with you.  You don’t want her telling him how you ate almost half a chocolate cake  all by yourself.