Some days I think I can read my dog Sparky’s mind. Today was one of those days …

Me: He – Sparky – pooped in front of the cats’ food bowls and then behind my dining room chair. What was he thinking?

Sparky: – Who me? I’m a good dog but I can’t stand cats. I also live with two humans, nice humans, but kind of messy and disorganized. Oh, and I left out emotional, at least she is. The only time I see HIM excited is when he steps barefooted on a wet piddle pad or a cat turd that one of the cats – and there are four – flung out of the litter box. As for me, I’m stable. Deliberate. Collected. And calm – especially when I’m asleep or there isn’t food or a walk involved, or those two lanky girl German Shepherds from down the street.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if Sparky loves us. He came from a shelter in Tennessee and now he is living in South Florida with all the mosquitoes, iguanas, and people speaking in a different patois. Maybe he can’t understand us because we don’t speak Tennessee.

Sparky: I love my humans and I want them to be well and it’s not just for food and walks. But I worry about them, lately they seem so stressed. Whether they’re watching the news or in the bedroom, there’s so much noise and yelling.

Me: He’s so picky about what he eats, unless it’s the cats’ food or trash on the floor.

Sparky: You should eat your food. But if it tastes that bad, throw it up somewhere – so they can find the barf by stepping in it. And don’t forget to blame the cats!

Me: I really hate it when he gets sick. He’s terrible about going to the vet.

Sparky: When you hear your humans use the letters V-E-T or the word “Groomer”, run under the table or better yet, go to the back of your crate if you have one. The exercise from pulling your leash will make your human’s back stronger and crawling into the crate will relieve their lumbago.

Me: I hate giving him medication. The last time I gave him a syringe full of white liquid dewormer, I ended up coated white like icing on a cake.

Sparky: I’m a problem solver. I hate pill taking. Pill poppers don’t work. Go ahead, shove a pill down my throat, all the way down to where the sun don’t shine. I’ll bring that pill up and spit it out somewhere when you aren’t looking.

Me: He’s asleep on his back in his bed under the dining room table. So cute, not a care in the world, I want to blow strawberries on his tummy.

Sparky: Never lay on your back with your legs stiff straight up in the air for a long period of time. Your humans will think you are dead and there will be no more belly rubs. Better yet, fart and snore while you sleep, especially if you are sleeping under the table at dinnertime.

Me: He’s doing it again! Following Ollie around with his nose stuck up her butt. If he’s not careful, she’s going to rip his nose off.

Sparky: Sniff butts. Any time, anywhere. But not Tiger’s – that cat’s butt will make your eyes cross and Ollie will bite your nose.

Sparky: I have other ideas and lots of advice on how to improve the peace and keep things around the house normal or at least sane…

• It’s okay to chase armadillos in the back yard. They’re slow enough to catch. Forget about the iguanas. In cold weather, a cold iguana falling out of a tree will give you a concussion.

• Yodel loud and shrill when that doorbell rings. You never know who’s out there. Besides it will keep the neighbors alert too. Then they will come visit your humans and everybody’s social skills will be challenged.

• Help your humans out the door by showing them where to walk. Lead them. Be sure to stay in front of them. Trying not to trip over you will improve their sense of balance and agility. You will learn more four-letter words.

Me: I don’t think looking inside Sparky’s brain is a good idea. There’s no telling what else is in there. Most likely sausage and deli meat cravings, roaming the neighborhood unleashed, and harassing the cats!