Irrational Fears by Maggie Milllus




We all have them, irrational fears.  Fears of things we shouldn’t be scared of, things we would not give a hoot about.   If only we just didn’t think about them.


Here are a few  unreasonable (irrational) fears of my own, and maybe a few of some people you know:


– Can’t breathe.  Suffocation eminent. It’s just my congested sinuses.  It happens every time I get a bad cold or the flu and it always happens at night.  You know, when I’m out in the living room all by myself and it’s 3AM. Why am I out in the living room by myself?  Because I’m trying not to wake up the congested, inconsiderate family member who gave me this plague.  Maybe it would be better to go into the  bedroom and match his grizzly bear snores with my own sneezes and hacking coughs. The two of us could keep each other up.  All night.


 – Gynecologist: the big spread.  I guess the male equivalent of a gynecological exam is the big testicular squeeze.  Good thing men aren’t sheep. At least they don’t need  bricks for anaesthesia.  Male or female, there’s always the fickle finger…. And then there’s the worry that the gynecologist’s examination light will shine up your zing zang and radiate out your ears…


– Gas, are you sure?  You thought you farted, but guess what?  It wasn’t gas.  Now you need a new pair of underwear, maybe an entire clothing change.  Couldn’t you tell by the sound?  Maybe you just thought it was your Fartmaster key chain, you know, the one with the Mr. Juicy button.  You should have stayed home!


– Going to the dentist– Now this is a rational fear.  You have good reason to be scared.  When the doctor says, “ I am going to use this 2,000 rpm nuclear-powered servo drill to remove 17 of your old fillings in five minutes…”,  you should  spit out your saliva slob gobbers and head for the hills.


– Bogyman– On the other hand, this may be rational too…. It’s often combined with another irrational fear, fear of the dark. Add to it the condition of sinusitis and total congestion, you will really think you’re headed to the hereafter.  It’s a good time to ring up the old celestial telephone and call God.   If you get an answer, you have worse problems.  But tell him (or her) about the scratching at the door and window anyway. Now if you don’t get an answer, you still have a problem but at least you won’t think you are hallucinating.



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