Woke up at 330 AM from a weird dream in which I was in an argument with Elon Musk. Why him? Probably because he’s been in the news so much and I had just read some vacuous article describing the bizarre procreative behaviors of his father accompanied by pictures of the younger Musk’s pale corpulence in a towel and bathing suit on a boat off the Greek Island of Mykonos. I could add to that all the maundering tweets he’s made since he purchased Twitter which I would just as soon not dwell on.
In the dream, I complained that billionaires can do anything that they want and that he was of particular concern because of his egotism and drive to complete tasks of great challenge despite having so many idiocentricities. With more than a hint of arrogance, Mr. Musk replied that I, a normal person beleaguered by so much pecuniary obligation, was in no position to understand the motivations of people with great genius – like himself. He then went on to remind me of his great contributions to space exploration and the great loot of money available if he could successfully entice millions of people to travel to Mars and other distant astronautical exotica… and buy into his Twitter “verified” blue check subscription service among other things.
The arguments go on and on. He elaborates on his other contributions to mankind with special emphasis on his electric car, the Tesla. The air is now cleaner he boasts and then I remind him that there is still Florida swampland that he could buy. As he goes on, I think to myself that the world should be grateful that he does want to do “good” things and hope that his destructive motivations are limited to Twitter. With his intelligence and determination, we should be relieved that he does not want to take on the challenge of poisoning a whole city.
More arguments ensued. “Why buy Twitter,” I asked. “It looks like you broke it.”
“I want to fix it,” he said.
To which I replied, “Don’t you know that if something isn’t broken, you shouldn’t fix it!”
“Why should I care?” he said. “I have money, more and more money, and besides there are a lot of other things I can fix even if I have to break them first…”
I try to understand why I dream such nonsense. Probably so I can sit out in my living room, all by myself, in the dark, my mind infested with such mindless drivel. This is the behavior of an insomniac, maybe one who can be described as an ineffective insomniac because hours later she will go back to sleep and dream another dream that will again flummox her reality… like being on a endless shopping spree with her dead mother and a doleful husband. A dream in which the two were much more civil to each other than in real life. Fortunately the dream was punctuated by purchases of beautifully wrapped packages bought by said self to delight herself. As the packages accumulated, my glee expressed itself as a hyperbolic enthusiasm for life and then I woke up, left to sit there in the dark again, alone to contemplate the stark realities of my life and the fact that there were no pretty packages, no deceased mother , no shopping, and definitely no euphoria. I want to forget about Elon Musk, there are so many other things to drivel about. Drivel, worry? I have no idea what the difference is. I worry a lot. Why? I’m not sure. Probably because it gives me something to think about, maybe even something that I can strive for. And there are so many things to worry about, especially at night…Trivia that always pokes around in my brain during the night, when I am helpless to steel it out with distraction.
Mindless effluvia invades my thoughts, even during the daytime…like trying to understand why everyone seems so crazy these days. On the other hand, maybe they were always crazy but we just didn’t have so many opportunities to see them or know of them. But we do now, thanks to social media, the Associated Press, the Internet, and 24/7 live streaming TV news.
I keep looking for causes of aberrant behavior in seemingly once normal people – they were normal at one time, weren’t they?. Sometimes I wonder if in utero movement causes cranial damage when a fetus repeatedly swims headfirst into its mother’s uterine wall. That could explain the nutty behavior of a lot of people. CTE – Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy – brain damage begins early in life.
I have other worries – gastronomical worries, worries like why do I eat so much? Or what’s the easiest way to get rid of flatulence? But I’m not alone. Maybe I should ask why so many other people eat too much. Are they trying to deal with the same mindless drivel and absurdities of life? But I’m not going to go there, I would rather preoccupy myself with other thoughts and do other things besides dreaming and worrying. There are so many other things I can do, like watching the sun come up.
I like to watch an early sunrise. It confirms that I get to live another day – hopefully an entire day – living in my own reality. As I contemplate a new day, I can’t help wondering what happens when this life I’ve lived with so many sunrises ends? What happens to my sense of self when there are no more sunrises to come? Is that the end of my reality or is there another dimension, another pie in the sky, where some remnant of me still exists? Or will I just come back, reincarnated as myself or someone else?
Coming back as someone else is such a waste, but I guess it’s better than nothing, better than non-existing. When this life or reality ends, I have no idea who I would be, and I definitely don’t know who I was.
But for this time being, this moment in the now, I’m just going to be me and keep on going…watching the sun rise and thinking mindless drivel…