Subliminal Indiscretions by Maggie Millus

1.  Miscellaneous projectiles: 

Grass Fore 4

I read somewhere that it’s possible to sneeze out Ben Wa balls… those metal balls that can be inserted into the lower orifices of your body for therapeutic or other purposes. I can’t imagine doing this – the insertion or the sneeze. I would think expelling one with a sneeze would be hard to do. Ben Wa balls can be as small as a marble. It would be like shooting at the floor with a pea shooter. Fire away! Just watch out for the bounce…and don’t leave them on the floor for someone else to slip on.

On the other hand (no pun intended) – if you had one of those bigger versions and they do have them in 2 inch sizes or bigger, it would be like launching a golf ball. Maybe you’d better yell “Fore!”.  As for getting hit upside the head with one, that would be hard to do and even harder to explain…As in:  “I got this black eye when my head fielded a 40 mile an hour Ben Wa projectile.”

I wonder if there are sneeze contraindications on Ben Wa Balls…


2.  Body waxes:


Body Wax 3

Maybe some people like to sit butt naked on slick vinyl…or maybe they just like things smooth. but with hirsute overgrowths, no one can do that without going to a lot of trouble…

Consider a body wax… Skin has a scazillion nerve endings. The nerves surround the bases of the hair follicles. Pulling one hair hurts almost as much as a bee sting. Coat a bushy back with hot wax, no matter how fast you yank, you will still administer a thousand hurts. Or maybe I should say Hertz, because your yell would be about 1600 Hertz-in other words, about 5-7 times that of the normal human yell.

Translate this into decibels, the conclusion is still the same. There’ll be a helluva lot of yelling and it will be loud, very loud. Maybe even loud enough to make your ears bleed. I know this is true because my niece told me so. At least that’s what she claims happened when she waxed her brother’s very hairy back. It’s going to be a long time till her hearing is restored, and I bet her brother will never do that again.


3. Thongs:

Melons for blog 4

The other day I was helping a friend clear out her garage. We were throwing out clutter…. you know, that plethora of useless stuff that always accumulates in a garage. As I was carrying out an old horse blanket (she doesn’t have a horse), I noticed a makeshift clothesline. Nothing hanging on it except 3 lace thong underwear. There they were, three dainty pairs of very suggestive lace panties. Two red and one black, And they were hers!

Now I want to know, just what makes a person with a supersized butt want to wear these things? Better yet, what makes anyone want to wear thongs? There’s a reason they call thongs “butt floss”.What happens if you lose one and can’t find it to get it off? How do you say to a doctor, “I have a rash because I lost my thong…”. And even if you’re skinny, on a hot day there is still the likelihood of a surgical excision.

Indiscretions…mistakes, poor choices, bad ideas…body waxes, Kegel balls, butt floss… Whatever they are called, some things are not worth doing!


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