Things In My Coffee by Maggie Millus

Florida cockroaches are real cockroaches.  They are not teeny and puny like those little German immigrants.  Just seeing one of those big suckers swimming in your coffee or having sex on your kitchen counter  is enough to cause a major jump in most people’s blood pressure.


So what can you do about it?  Answer: cook them  Cooking them will not only eliminate them from your premises but it will also provide  an additional protein source.  The hard stuff  in their exoskeletons is better than fiber and when it scratches the insides of your large bowel, you  can forget about constipation (maybe for a really long time!) and get set for a really impressive weight loss.


So how do you cook a Florida cockroach?  Here are some suggestions.


1) Toast it!  If it’s hiding in the bottom of your toaster, it will come out flying like a second stage ignition rocket.


2) Fry it.  The day old congealed butter in a frying pan will immobilize it. It can’t get   away. If  your close your  eyes and stir vigorously, its parts will disintegrate into smaller  pieces and no one, including you, will know the difference. You can also add breading for extra crunch.


3)  Roast it.  It’s hard to see a cockroach when it is au jus.


Now I find the thought of consuming a cockroach absolutely nauseating, even if it was pureed with pork rinds or dipped in chocolate.  My concern is that eating an unsterilized cockroach could cause violent stomach spasms and a three day stint in a diarrhea ward (or worse.)  So heed the warning:  Do not do this at home (or anywhere else)!



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