50 Shades of Fowl by Maggie Millus

Disclaimer:  Naked Chickens- to whom it may concern-these chickens may be wearing  little or no clothes.  If that bothers you, go dress your own chickens.



Introduction.  I think you deserve a reason as to why I wrote this blog and, frankly, I don’t have one.  I really don’t know why, other than when I read a certain other book – and you know which one I mean- it warped my brain.  So here it is… a fowl version of what some may call a really fouler than usual fowl book. Or maybe that should be a fowler than usual foul book.  Whatever…



I so want to raise chickens. Egg layers.  I can see them now.  Big beautiful leghorns.  Laying big, white, scrumptious eggs.  So what if they can be assertive, flighty birds?  Who needs cats anyway?  As  for  noise? There’s always  ear plugs!



A chicken coop is at the top of my To Do list.  I have just the right location for the coop, smack dab in the middle of my backyard.  With our fenced-in yard, no chickens will fly the coop here.



My coop will be versatile: free range or confined.  No cooped up chickens here.   I have plenty of yard for free range chickens, but when the going gets rough, I can keep them in and put out “protection devices”.



That’s right. Protection devices  to discourage predators, nosey neighbors, and code enforcement. Maybe a few snares.  Or mini-mines – I could pile the poop high and dry.  I hear it’s very volatile in the summer heat.  A small explosion and mushroom cloud would deter anything, man or beast.



But my real problem here is not the coop, nor the poop, but city code.  Where I live, it’s against city ordinances to have chickens or any other kinds of farm animals.  So all of this is just fantasy.



I know I’m not going to ever get to raise chickens, but if I did, I bet they would be “different”, although maybe a little wacked.  (Living in South Florida will do this to you…It’s a place for cooked brains and hard-boiled eggs.) I’m building a portfolio of my chickens, chickens from another reality…they live in a chicken coup on a farm, far, far away,,,maybe even in another galaxy.


And here’s the first of  50:

Chicken bootylicious xyz

Bootylicious Chicken

  • Bodacious egg layer – good news if you are delicious too
  • Crisis du jour: Oven tan lines
  • Handicap: Slow learner
  • Favorite saying:  Buk Buk Buk Buk!  Buk Buk gawaak!
Steampunk Chicken New2

Steampunk Chicken

  • Confused cockerel
  • Struggling with identity issues
  • Best friend: Chicken Little
  • Favorite riddle: Why’d the chicken cross the road?
  • Motto: The flock that stays together stays together
Chicken waddle 1

Chicken Waddle

  • Well hung: Wattles to die for!
  • Illicit lothario. Crafty philanderer.
  • Never once: Caught with egg on his face.
  • Known for: turning up the heat in the hen house
  • Worst Worry: How to scratch out a living
chicken homeboy 1

Chicken Homeboy

  • Favorite dish: Homeboy Platter
  • Contentious broiler
  • Egotistical, overestimates his position on pecking order
  • Known to say: Go ahead. Stick your neck out. Make my day
  • Hates: chick flicks
chickabod 3

Chickabod Crane

  • Chicken but dressed to go anyway
  • Evasive. Runs around like a chicken with its head cut off
  • Halloween all year long
  • Worst fear: “The chop”
  • Thinks he is: a descendent of T. rex
Kardashian Chicken (2)

Steatopygeous chicken

  • Spring chicken
  • Docile appearance deceiving.
  • Can aggravate the socks off a rooster
  • Always coming home to roost
  • Often heard to say: “Buck, Buck…aaack!”
  • Translation: “I’m no dumb cluck.’
Chicken exposed5

Spa Chicken

  • Aging egg layer about to get in hot water
  • At the spa- Fowl Water or soup de jour
  • Complaint: “Don’t call me chicken legs!”
  • Favorite quote: “It’s bad news if you are delicious!”
  • Dislikes: mayonnaise, canned soup, pet food, lunchmeat, and schnitzel.

I’m not sure where this is taking me. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure where I’ve been. Maybe at a funny farm. Who knows? Surely, not me.


There are still 43 more chickens to show, but that’s not going to happen here. Some other time, in the future, in a chicken coop far, far, away…

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