A Tell Tale Tail by Maggie Millus

I like to fuss over my cat, Tom Brown.  But Tom doesn’t always take too kindly to fussing and his tail will begin to twitch.  It even twitches when I just look at him.  He just lies there sleeping and looking away from me, but the tail is still twitching.  Then I get to thinking, what if humans had tails?  A tail could be a real aggravation or even an embarrassment especially if you are trying to maintain your cool and your tail has a mind of its own.


I can see it now.  A meeting or a presentation.  Enthusiasm and the tail get carried away. Crisp, to the point, data presentation is accompanied by the staccato hammering of an uncontrolled tail beat.  So much for self-control or the lack of it.  Worse yet, it could have been a job interview.


Another scenario:  One grumpy  teacher and a classroom full of  misbehaving imps. Teachers are supposed to maintain a calm “you didn’t piss me off” demeanor.  Cool as ice… smooth as ice cream…  But after  a disruption, the tail would be a tell tale give away.  I can just see it flailing from side to side or up and down.  Holding it still would really be an effort.  And under  a dress???


“Look,” says one little brat to the other.  “Look at Mrs. M’s tail!”


Second little twerp: “Owww.  You just poked me in the eye, Mrs. M!”


Two days later  I’m back in the principal’s office :  “I know, Dr. Smartz (still not his real name),  my tail was out of control.  Lots of people have that problem, but I did not try to poke that child’s eye out with my tail.”


On the other hand, a tail could serve some useful purposes:


1.  Use it as a pointer.  It would really go well with power point  presentations.


2.  Text with it.


3.  Use it as a gavel and call a meeting to order.


4.  Or wrap it around a bar stool to keep from falling off.


But there could  be other problems.


Teacher:  Imp Number 3, why are you out of your seat?


“My tail hurts,  Mrs. M. I’ve been sitting on it too long.”


Or worse yet, “Imp Number 4, keep your tail to yourself.”


“But Mrs. M., he keeps touching me!”


And don’ t  forget about big feet and rocking chairs. When your tail is flattened,  yowwww!



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