Bunions and Other Bummers

I have normal feet.  At least I think they’re normal.  They both point in the same direction, forward.  But as of late, they don’t look so normal.

I always wanted to have beautiful feet, small petite feet with high arches.  But not ballerina feet. After years of wearing toe shoes, ballerina feet aren’t very pretty. My sister-in-law had attractive feet, small symmetrical feet with nice looking toes, all ten of them.    I say “had” because now she has bunions.  I wonder if nice, petite feet give you bunions. It sounds like a curse – bunions, a retribution for having had good-looking feet.  For sure, I won’t ever know, I’ve never had good-looking or petite feet. As a matter of fact, nothing about me is petite.

Bunions are due to an enlarged big toe.  I don’t know much about cures-I don’t think there really is one unless you want surgery or are willing to wear a rubber slingshot on your foot.  I suppose things could be worse. A person could have hammertoe.  I’ve thought a lot about hammertoe – and also a lot of other inconsequential things – are bunions really better than hammertoes? I can’t think of a use for either one.  Both are very uncomfortable and you’d have to accommodate the altered foot profile with a specialized shoe.  I don’t know what kind of shoe makes a bunion more tolerable but I suppose a clown shoe would work with a hammertoe.  Hopefully you would have hammertoes on both feet, as wearing just one clown shoe would be asymmetrical  and asymmetry is the kiss of death for foot appearance, particularly when one foot is two inches longer than the other. Besides, it would be hard not to trip, especially on carpeting and stairs would be a bitch.

There are a lot of other things I wonder about feet.  Like, if you have bunions, are you too old for toe rings?  Maybe your body is trying to tell you something. But then I also wonder if bunions, when they aren’t too painful, could make a football player a better place kicker. On the other hand, I would think that football players are unlikely to get bunions.  They’re don’t (usually?)  wear pointy-toed shoes like a woman, although an enlarged or bigger foot might be an asset if it doesn’t hurt. It certainly might help if you need to gain traction or step on someone else.

Most people have ten toes. Ten toes – that’s enough to give you 10 dilemmas, especially if they point in different directions and you have more than one hammertoe on the same foot.  Others are blessed with extra toes as in polydactyly.  Fortunately, the extra toe or toes are on the side or in the middle.  Having one or more extra big toes would be outstanding. Sandals -very wide ones- would be in order.  Surgery or lopping shears (if you are an insane masochist) can remedy the excision of the extra toes, I suppose. 

Foot movement is such a versatile function.  There are so many and they provide so many different uses for feet.  My favorites are flexion movements, often known at toe or foot tapping.  It’s my favorite because it captures the attention of people, often unwanted attention. If it’s someone you don’t like, it can cause extreme aggravation which is good for getting even with them if they have previously annoyed you or have pretty feet.  And then there is running, which becomes a survival function when you need to escape the people you have previously annoyed and aggravated by toe tapping.

Foot aesthetics are important to me and most other women. But if a man has ugly feet, I would doubt that he cares-unless his feet are peculiar… But then, I’ve never done a survey.  A shoe can hide a loathsome foot, unless that person is wearing sandals.  Men’s shoes are usually functional and envelope their feet so you can’t see much of them, so you don’t really know what is under that leather, vinyl, or fabric. I wonder how many romantic break-ups are due to ugly feet. Very hirsute toes would certainly make you wonder if not run the other way, especially if the hair is on the last joint.

Men’s shoes are different too, they’re usually more functional than a woman’s shoe.   They’re often bulky with thick soles which I suspect is for slogging through mud or stomping cockroaches.  Women don’t usually wear clunky shoes.  Their shoes are designed to make their feet look better. Even a sneaker can hide fungi toes (and probably cause them too.) And then there are stiletto heels, designed to make both legs and feet look attractive. Even a woman with piano legs will look good in them.

Now I don’t have a foot fetish – I use mine strictly for walking – when they’re not hurting. I definitely don’t run with them, but that’s another story…

Disclaimer:  The feet in these pictures belong to no one.  They are not your feet! They are not my feet or even those of my neighbors. They are composites-of the many feet I have had the misfortune to observe at the beach, at pools,  at spas, shoe stores, and whatever…

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