I often stay up at night worrying. That’s one of the few things I do well. I worry about a lot of things, like why is my cat, Violet, meowing at the wall. Or is there another dimension for missing socks?
I worry about heel to toe foot massagers, the kind that you put your entire foot into. They’re supposed to make aching feet feel better. They look so inviting. They promise better circulation, improved sex, maybe an even better life.
But what if something goes wrong and a foot massager goes rogue. I worry that it can become possessed and what if it hates you? The stench of stinky feet day in day out could do that. Something like a nasty smell causing a short circuit could overwhelm its technology and then it finally happens – you can’t get your foot, or worse yet, both feet out. If it doesn’t let go, do you call your podiatrist? What should you say, “Help! My big toe is sticking out of my heel!”? That should catch their interest!
A foot massager with a hungry appetite for toes could send you to the emergency room. Then what do you say? How do you explain your situation to the Admissions clerk? Should you call a lawyer?
What if it just grabbed part of your foot and wouldn’t let go? In other words, it just does a partial? Like a toe suck. You could just sit there, hope for an erotic experience, and wait for it to shut down by itself. But what if it cuts off circulation and your toes go dead? With that opaque cover, you’d never know that your toes turned black and had gangrene. Until the smell seeped out or you realized there was more room in the massager than before.
Toe grabbing…it just won’t do. I don’t have a toe fetish. No machine or anyone else is going to suck my toes. On the other hand, or I should say foot, what if the heating unit in the massager goes awry with your foot stuck in it? Would it cook your foot? Or burn it to a crisp?
I don’t know how much compression a foot massager can exert and I don’t know how much compression a foot can take. I suppose it could squeeze the soft tissues all the way to the bone. Or the bones could be mashed – a real bone crusher or maybe a cure for hammertoe?
There is a major inconvenience to being unable to remove a foot massager. It would be hard to walk with one or both feet stuck in it. It would give a whole new meaning to the expression “lead foot”.
I don’t think I would want to use one if I was home all alone. And it would be long and hard to explain to my husband, Howard, why I couldn’t drive the car or how I had an accident.
“Howard, I crashed the car.”
“How did you do that?”
“I couldn’t stop speeding.”
“Why couldn’t you stop speeding?”
“I couldn’t pull my foot away from the accelerator.”
“I had a foot massager on my foot.”
“Why were you driving with a foot massager on your foot?”
“Because it was stuck there, it wouldn’t come off!”
And then there are hand massagers. You stick your hand in one and it does something, I’m not sure what. I can think of the things I might want it to do, like file my nails, trim cuticles, but I don’t think they do that. On the other hand, what if it pulled my finger and relieved flatulence? I don’t know how I’d explain that to anyone.
Disclaimer: This blog makes no reference to any specific brand of foot massager. From the reviews I’ve read, most people like them. As for me, I’m not taking any chances.